


Waterbedding

by TheAnnoyingAlien



Category: Political RPF - US 21st c.
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, For a Friend, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-29
Updated: 2015-08-29
Packaged: 2018-04-17 18:44:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4677299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAnnoyingAlien/pseuds/TheAnnoyingAlien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A dirty crack fic that I wrote for a friend on tumblr. Dick Cheney spends an erotic evening alone with his one true love: a beautiful bucket of water.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Waterbedding

The candles were lit, rose petals were scattered about, and Barry White music was playing softly in the background. Dick Cheney grinned; everything was perfect. He closed and locked the door and turned towards the bed where, amongst the pillows and petals, laid his one true love: a bucket of water. 

Cheney licked his lips, eyeing his lover with great interest. Its smooth steel walls reminded him so very much of the steel beams that jet fuel couldn’t melt, and the cold, crystalline water within it brought back delightful memories of the agonized screams of waterboarded terrorist suspects. God, what a sight the bucket was! Cheney felt his cock starting to tent in his pants just from looking at it. 

Not wanting to keep himself or his love waiting any longer, he sauntered over to the bed to join his beautiful bucket as the next song on his Barry White CD started playing and the late singer’s deep, rich voice serenaded them.

It's no surprise, the way I feel  
When you look at me I know your love is real  
I never thought that I could feel this way

Cheney reached out and stroked the bucket’s side, sighing dreamily as he did so. Never before had he felt a love like this for anything or anyone, but the bucket was different. The bucket was special. His newly-transplanted heart beat harder and harder in his chest as he brought a hand down to undo the buttons on his blazer. “Oh bucket of water, I love you even more than I love my Iraq war money.” Cheney crooned seductively, pressing a gentle kiss to the bucket’s cold metal exterior. 

And I'm on fire, baby fire  
I can't believe it's happening to me  
I'm on fire, baby I'm on fire  
And I will love you endlessly

He slipped out of his blazer and undid his tie, carelessly discarding both articles of clothing onto the floor. His shirt was quick to follow, exposing a long linear scar that went down the middle of his chest. He’d acquired this from his heart transplant, but Cheney wasn’t self-conscious about it. The bucket didn’t mind; the bucket couldn’t care less that he was scarred, balding, and old. It loved him just the way he was, and he loved it right back. 

You touched my heart, you touched my soul  
You took this half a life of mine and made it whole  
When we make love I lose control ohh

“Iraq might not have any weapons of mass destruction, bucket, but I do… in my pants!” Cheney smirked, unbuckling his belt and letting his pants fall to his ankles. He grabbed the bucket and laid back on the bed, holding it up and gazing at it with pure lust.

“Take my cock, bucket.” He whispered breathily. “Choke on it like Bush choked on that pretzel!” He lowered the bucket until its exterior brushed against his cock, shivering slightly as the frigid metal touched his skin. “Oh, bucket…” He moaned. 

Cause I'm on fire, baby I'm on fire  
I can't believe it's happening to me  
I'm on fire, baby I'm on fire  
And I will love you endlessly

Cheney bucked his hips and rutted against the bucket, rubbing his hard cock against its sleek walls and making the water inside slosh and ripple. His thrusts were slow, sensual, and loving; there was no need to rush. He and his beautiful bucket had all the time in the world, and he wanted to savor every moment of it.

I hope that I will make you understand  
How very much you mean to me  
And the day we met, my life began  
Because your love has set me free

“Bucket,” Cheney rasped, plunging two fingers into the bucket’s chilly water, “you’re so wet.” He lifted his fingers to his mouth and licked them clean, continuing to hump the bucket as he did so. Wanting to feel it against his lips, he brought it up to his face and kissed it. In the process, his grip slackened a bit, allowing some of the water to spill out onto him and the bed. 

Fire, fire, fire...fire, fire

Cheney pulled away from the bucket to catch his breath, panting heavily as the stray water trickled down his face and neck, mixing with beads of sweat. He was so horny, so overcome with passion and lust. “Oh, bucket! You have no idea what you do to me!” The former vice president growled. Grabbing his bucket roughly by the sides, Cheney humped it faster and harder, making the water splash about violently. 

I hope that this will never end  
Cause I will never find a love like yours again  
And I'll feel this way until the end

His grip on the bucket was weakening once more, and Cheney let out a low groan as he rammed his crotch against it especially hard.

“Oh, bucket! My bucket!” He cried out in ecstasy, knowing that he couldn’t handle much more of this. He was closer to climaxing than Al Gore was to winning the 2000 presidential election.

Cause baby I'm on fire, baby I'm on fire  
I can't believe it's happening to me  
I'm on fire, baby I'm on fire  
And I will love you endlessly  
Cause I'm on fire, baby I'm on fire

“BUCKET!” Cheney grunted as he came, splattering the side of the bucket with his seed. Spent from his orgasm, his grip finally gave out and the bucket tipped over, dousing him and most of the bed. For a minute Cheney just laid there, covered in semen and water and breathing heavily as the Barry White music tapered off. He grinned; this felt like heaven.

Fire, fire, fire...fire, fire  
Fire, fire, fire...fire, fire  
Fire, fire, fire...fire, fire

“Oh, my sweet bucket.” He murmured, rolling over to face his now-empty lover. He caressed its rim, looking on with approval as his seed and a few remaining droplets of water mixed and dribbled down its side. “That was wonderful. You’re wonderful.” He kissed the bucket one last, tender time and wound his arms around it, pulling it close as he snuggled up into the damp sheets and soggy pillows. Cheney sure did love his alone time with his bucket, but unbeknownst to him, he hadn’t exactly been alone that evening. Outside of the window, there was a bush, and out of the bush popped a Bush.

A George W. Bush, to be exact. 

After glancing around to make sure nobody was there to see him, Bush emerged from the shrub with his slacks around his knees and his cock in his hand. He hastily pulled his pants up and tucked his cock away before reaching down to wipe a semen-stained hand against his leg. As he walked away from the window, Bush couldn’t help but shake his head at what he’d just witnessed. 

“I knew he liked waterboarding, but water-bedding? Jesus Christ!” He muttered to himself. He’d always thought that Cheney might have some weird kinks, but he never expected anything this bizarre! “Oh well. To each their own, I guess.” With that, Bush set off for home, where he knew a very sexy segway was waiting for him... 

The End

**Author's Note:**

> This is the worst fucking thing I’ve ever written and I’m sorry. It's even worse than my Nixnew fanfiction lol... at first I tried to write it so that the bucket was fucking Cheney, but I couldn’t figure out how to make that work so in the end I just decided to have Cheney fuck the bucket instead. I also have no explanation for why I decided to put in a voyeuristic, ironically kink-shaming Dubya at the end. I guess I just thought that’d be funny. Why am I even trying to explain this terrible crack fic… anyways, I hope you at the very least got a good laugh out of reading this, and I sincerely apologize if my writing has scarred you for life.


End file.
